If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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