You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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