Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
