Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
