FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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