His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
