I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
