He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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