Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
