I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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