Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Drake has all the answers
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
