It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
