I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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