At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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