Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize