dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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