I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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