My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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