You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
