i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
