i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
