I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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