he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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