Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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