life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
