i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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