I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
