she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
