i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize