he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
