i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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