I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
