Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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