There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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