He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize