I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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