I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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