i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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