from now on my penis is your penis
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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