Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
