Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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