Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
