watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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