omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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