if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
