Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
