I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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