i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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