Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
