Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize