He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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