dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize