every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
