I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize