my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We are two peas in an std pod
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
