my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
