Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
