Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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