why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
